Distracted, but I don’t forget

Hello my darling daughter.   I bet you thought I forgot.  That I had finally listened to all those who say I should be “over you”, and move on.

There is no doubt, that I don’t feel the same sort of pain when I think of you, that I felt when we first lost you.  Back then, that was a raw, burning pain, that consumed me and all my thoughts.   I still loved my family and your dad, but it existed on a different level.  Your birth dominated my life.  I cried ….. and occasionally screamed at the world.

Some years later, the pain dulled ….. a constant ache, a reminder that you were my last, and I couldn’t hold you.   I found myself angry at other parents, and desperately tried to hide it.  My grief wasn’t their fault, but it felt unfair anyway.   Your aunt had two babies, and I had to maintain this happy face.  And I was truly happy for her, but sad for me.  It wasn’t easy.

Now, my health is fragile, I am facing surgery again ……. and feeling this vulnerable reminds me again of how I felt back then.   I am lost and powerless, and no-one has the space in their lives to reassure me.  Work compounds things, and I find myself teetering on the edge constantly.  I felt pressured into working on your anniversary, and resent that I wasn’t brave enough to say no. Your sister turned 20, my living children are growing up, as they should, but this change brings the time passed into focus again.  Thoughts of you flood back, and I am sad again.

You are ached for constantly my darling child….. it may be a different sort of ache, but you will never leave my heart, my forever baby.  Happy birthday Isabeau ….. mummy misses you.