Parenting teens ….. now this is a journey filled with tears, door slamming, pitfalls, and many many emotional filled “I hate you!” declarations. Scientists tell us that teenagers have a similar amount of rapid neurone development as 2 yr olds, which can lead to neural overload when a teen is faced with conflict or trauma (as in .. you know, being told no ). Here’s a couple of tips to get you through.
Discipline: Teenage is when you shift your parenting from rules to responsibilities. Jobs are done, boundaries are set, behaviours are expected not because you set the rules, but rather because as part of a family unit, it is their responsibility. Emphasise your own role, and then explain what is expected of them. Make a big issue about how their own actions are the catalyst for loss of privileges, or granting of requests.
Don’t hover or correct: Just like a husband, no household chore is ever done by a teen if you hover giving constant instruction, or if you correct their method. Obviously when talking about cleaning, there needs to be a certain level of effectiveness, but teens interpret constant correction as criticism, and quickly adopt the “why bother” approach.
Emotional boundaries: their lack of, and your need for. If you think about their brains at the moment, all the connecting neurones are like a big wad of yarn. They are all tumbled together, touching each other in multiple places, and misfiring under pressure. And just like the terrible two’s, that leads to some hefty tantrums. And when you have an overwhelmed teenager, thats when the “I hate you” stuff starts. For yourself as a parent, you need to imagine that you have an emotional fence all around you. When you need to discipline a teen, deliver your statement from inside the fence, and then step away emotionally, while your teen has a minor implosion. Your emotional fence stops you from taking this behaviour personally, and you simple wait for the explosion to subside. Once calm has settled, you can calmly state any consequences, explaining that “no amount of foot stamping will change this, so I suggest you do what is expected of you”.
Hugs are essential: Just like a toddler, a teen emotional overload is scary, and they crave physical contact. While refusing to carry their anger when their world doesn’t go their way, be sure that you offer all the hugs and love they need when you can.
Of course, this advice doesn’t take into account learning disabilities, conditions such as ASD and autism, or teens who have suffered trauma. Of course these situations require their own special approach. But sometimes my tips can help with your bog standard teenager with an attitude the size of Tasmania.
