I think my subconscious is telling me that I need to let go my yearning for babies.
Since losing Isabeau (and the subsequent infertility her pregnancy and birth caused), I have had to contend with almost constant dreams about babies. Me having miracle babies (yep fantasy), being the recipient of a mystery adopted child, winning lotto and paying an American/Indian surrogate, somebody dying and me being given the baby (this one’s distressing, as my sis is the only one breeding right now). I know that these dreams aren’t me really wishing these things to happen, but just me yearning for something that I know I can’t have.
But last night … the dream was different. Oh it was the same in that there was this child that needed a family, and I was asked. But, when I met this child, there was no connection …. I didn’t feel I could love this baby, and the thought of being tied to this child was distressing. I woke up feeling very ambivalent and a bit sad.
I realise that at going on 42 (with an adult and teenager for children), my baby days are well and truly behind me. But I was so used to the yearning dreams, that the change in my subconscious thoughts caught me by surprise. I don’t deal well with change ….
