I am not sure if I feel the way I should……

My dad is dying.

We have known that this would happen for a while now, and really we are all surprised it hasn’t happened before now. But, the consequences of his heart attack, not looking after himself, and dementia ….. mean that he is fading.

I am not sure how to feel. So many friends have lost parents, and are immobilised by grief, speaking of losing their “best friend”, and that their lives are irreparably damaged by this most drastic pain.

I don’t feel this way. I am sad that his life is coming to and end. I feel sympathy for him, because without faith to cushion the fear, death is a big black scary nothing. I feel frustration about the conflicts and disagreements surrounding his care in these last couple of months. I worry about my ability to adequately manage the details of his care, his funeral, and his will. And a small part of me grieves for the perfect parent of my imagination ….. that I never had in real life anyway.

Does this make me a terrible daughter. That I am caught up in the details, and have no space left to grieve.